Ideas, theories, and observations for my past, present, and future self.

Life is a lot of repetition. Just think, the basic survival of the human race - of the universe - is based upon repetition: the world, the solar system keep spinning, oxygen is turned to carbon dioxide and then back again, people die, and people are born. They say we learn from our mistakes, repetition. It's life. So here's to the idea that documenting my experiences - mistakes and successes - will lead me to repeat the good, and maybe the bad - depending on the results. After all, life is based upon these experiences and where they lead us. It's how we survive, it's how we evolve, it's how we grow.
Thursday, November 29, 2012

Life used to be so different. My mind used to be so bogged down by depression, self-pity, and anger. It interfered with every aspect of my life, preventing me from the incredible, average, and even mundane experiences of life. Every once in a while, those feelings, that person arises. It’s quite a sensation, almost the complete opposite of that which came before. It’s easier now, this way. It’s easier to push through the negative feelings to get back to the good, instead of grasping onto the light as you are being enveloped by darkness. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

You are everything that I have ever wanted, everything that I have ever dreamed of. The encounters are quite simply perfection, from the way you kiss me, to the way that you hold my hand. It is everything, you and me. We have satisfied my wildest desires. 

I find myself missing things that have only ever happened in my dreams. 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

You see, I love a lot, frequently and intensely. It’s falling in love that I’m not sure I’m capable of.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

And, it honestly doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out. I’ve been through this enough times before to know that I’ll survive. I really like this one, so it might hurt for a while, but, in the end, it’ll be okay. I know that for sure. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Feel.

This is the first time in an incredibly long while that I’ve felt anything other than numb. You learn to guard yourself from pain. You build a wall in hopes that nothing breaks through or climbs over. But eventually, that wall prevents you from feeling not only hurt and pain, but also happiness, curiosity, anger, love, lust, pleasure, and so on. You get so used to not feeling a thing, that when something finally finds its way to your side of the wall, you don’t know what to do. It would be so easy to start building again, a bigger, stronger wall this time. After all, you’ve had quite a but of practice. But, there’s also temptation. You haven’t felt anything in such a while that your brain and your heart are telling you to go for it. You can rebuild that wall anytime, and even if things don’t go as planned, even if it hurts in the end, at least you’re feeling something.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I did something. I don’t regret it. At all. I’m just feeling insecure. I want to be confident in myself. I want to be sure that even if things don’t go the way I want them to, that it’s still going to be okay. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen next. I hate not knowing how to find the answer. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Moonlight breeds insecurity.

The day is filled with confidence and execution. But, the night falls upon me like a weighted blanket. The doubt so heavy it’s hard to breathe. The night sees the emergence of insecurity, makes it impossible to sleep. Eyes wide, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this life is really yours. It’s dark, no noise other than the sound of your own breathing. It’s the perfect petri dish for these thoughts to originate and develop. They worsen as your sleepless night goes on. The insecure thoughts. Are you good enough? Why hasn’t it happened yet? Why is this not what you wanted and needed it to be?

Some might find it healthy. The unfiltered dialogue, the direct communication between your head, your heart, and your soul. But, honestly, you just know it to be frustration, making no sense at all.

The room is silent, and you wish your head could be too.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012
 
Next page