Life used to be so different. My mind used to be so bogged down by depression, self-pity, and anger. It interfered with every aspect of my life, preventing me from the incredible, average, and even mundane experiences of life. Every once in a while, those feelings, that person arises. It’s quite a sensation, almost the complete opposite of that which came before. It’s easier now, this way. It’s easier to push through the negative feelings to get back to the good, instead of grasping onto the light as you are being enveloped by darkness.
You are everything that I have ever wanted, everything that I have ever dreamed of. The encounters are quite simply perfection, from the way you kiss me, to the way that you hold my hand. It is everything, you and me. We have satisfied my wildest desires.
I find myself missing things that have only ever happened in my dreams.
And, it honestly doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out. I’ve been through this enough times before to know that I’ll survive. I really like this one, so it might hurt for a while, but, in the end, it’ll be okay. I know that for sure.
I did something. I don’t regret it. At all. I’m just feeling insecure. I want to be confident in myself. I want to be sure that even if things don’t go the way I want them to, that it’s still going to be okay. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen next. I hate not knowing how to find the answer.
The day is filled with confidence and execution. But, the night falls upon me like a weighted blanket. The doubt so heavy it’s hard to breathe. The night sees the emergence of insecurity, makes it impossible to sleep. Eyes wide, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this life is really yours. It’s dark, no noise other than the sound of your own breathing. It’s the perfect petri dish for these thoughts to originate and develop. They worsen as your sleepless night goes on. The insecure thoughts. Are you good enough? Why hasn’t it happened yet? Why is this not what you wanted and needed it to be?
Some might find it healthy. The unfiltered dialogue, the direct communication between your head, your heart, and your soul. But, honestly, you just know it to be frustration, making no sense at all.
The room is silent, and you wish your head could be too.